I’m sitting in this room, waiting for my number to be called. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty and I feel sick to my stomach. All I keep thinking is “why the fuck am I here…AGAIN?” “Why can’t we just get along?” “Why does he force me to take this route?” We were just here a year ago and I thought things were better, I thought we had finally figured it out. I start to come to the realization that this might be something I will forever go through, this might be the never ending struggle that is MY life.
I understand that this post might be a slight bit personal and maybe even sad but to not post it would be inauthentic of me. I love highlighting the beauties of being a single mother. I love talking about the crazy, funny moments we go through but the reality is we also have trials and tribulations we face every day. After cleaning your house, making dinner and putting your kid to bed you sit there and give yourself 10 minutes. Shit, I sometimes give myself 15 minutes. A moment to cry our eyes out, praying for strength, praying for our body to keep going. We sit there and feel like we are in a pool drowning and we can’t breathe. We’re trying to make it out but someone has a hold of our feet. That horrible I can’t breathe feeling is what we feel when going through the court process. As single mothers we find ourselves fighting with ALL we have for what we believe is best for our child. We have to remind ourselves it’s worth it! We have to pick ourselves up, wipe away our own tears and hold our head up high. How many of you mommy’s out there need those 10-15 minutes to just break down and gather yourself together? How many of you need that quick moment of vulnerability before you put on that suit of mommy armor to tackle the day?
The next morning I sit up at the edge of my bed. My eyes are swollen, my body aches and my mind is exhausted. I close my eyes and say three things that I am grateful for (my daughter, my health, my strength.) I decide that makeup can cover up my tired face, coffee will give my body energy today and I’ll distract my mind with funny memes. In 10 minutes I will wake up my daughter and our crazy morning will start, she’ll never know about my break down the night before. I turn on my Pandora, get out of my damn bed and say “fuck it, Caya_te & Live right?”